Loss and fate
Everything you love is on loan and the term is not disclosed. The Stoics were blunt about this, not to harden anyone, but because grief goes differently when a thing was never assumed to be permanent. This topic deals with loss, fate and what remains yours inside it.
44 exercises and cases on loss and fate, from the Stoic practice of sorting what is yours from what is not.
Cases in this topic
Cuts in this topic
Take the situation apart. Each piece goes in one box; there is no third option.
The situation
You have to clear out the house of your parent who has died.
Yours
- The pace you set yourself.
- Whether you postpone your grief until the clearing is done.
- Whether you keep one thing that serves no purpose at all.
Not yours
- That the house has to be emptied.
- That certain objects bring a wave the moment you pick them up.
- What your brother or sister wants to keep.
The situation
A friendship of twenty years fades out without a quarrel.
Yours
- Whether you call once instead of waiting to see who gives in first.
- Whether you convict him in your mind for his silence.
- Whether you let the friendship go in gratitude if it does not come back.
Not yours
- That he gets in touch less often.
- That your lives have grown apart.
- Whether he misses it as much as you do.
The situation
You are moving out of the house where your children grew up.
Yours
- Whether you take the time to say goodbye to the rooms.Half an hour walking through the house alone is not sentimentality but completion. Skip it and the move drags along for months.
- What you take and what you let go.Every box is a choice and most people do not make it, they shift everything along. Choosing is heavier work and produces a lighter house.
- Whether you give the new house a chance to become something of its own.It will never be the same and it can become something else. Whether you are open to that is a posture, and postures sit on the right.
Not yours
- That the house will belong to somebody else.A transfer at the notary. The walls were never yours in the sense that matters; you used them for a while.
- That the new owner rips out the kitchen.His house, his taste, his money. Anyone who keeps thinking about that does not move with the van but stays standing on the pavement.
- That the children no longer live there.That was already true before the sign went up. The house made it visible; it did not cause it.
The reasoning. Leaving a house, people grieve for the walls while the sorrow sits elsewhere: the years are over, and they would be over if you stayed. Separate those two and the move becomes what it is, namely logistics, and the real loss gets the attention it deserves.
The situation
A long friendship is slowly bleeding out.
Yours
- The first message, and saying honestly that you miss it.Proposing to meet, doing your part generously. If it thins out anyway, return it like everything that was on loan: with thanks for the years it lasted, without a verdict on yourself or the other.
- The story you tell about it: betrayal, or seasons.The same thinning out can be a wound or a season; the facts are equal, the reading is chosen by you. Resentment makes it betrayal and keeps the wound open. Gratitude makes it years that may be counted. Choose the story you can live with.
Not yours
- Whether the other person still wants the same friendship.People sometimes grow apart without anyone being at fault. His agenda, his stage of life, his need for contact: all of it lies on his side of the line.
The reasoning. Friendship is on loan, not owned. Do your side with open hands, and whatever still thins out, thins out without a culprit.
The situation
On the day the contract was to be signed, the buyer pulls out.
Yours
- The day after.
- The word “almost” you carry around in the days after.
Not yours
- That the buyer pulled out on signing day.
The situation
After a burglary, it is precisely the things with sentimental value that are gone.
Yours
- The memory, and the practical settlement.The memory hung on the object but was never inside it; that part cannot be taken. And the police report, the insurance, better locks: that is the half your hands can reach. Grieving the things is allowed; just do not confuse the carrier with the cargo.
- The reproach to yourself about the window or the lock.Afterwards everybody knows which window it was. But negligence is a verdict passed backwards on a choice that seemed perfectly reasonable at the time. Draw the practical lesson and acquit the resident of that day; he did not have your present knowledge.
Not yours
- The burglary, and the things that are gone.Irrevocably outside your box; there is no lock that works backwards. The ring is gone, and anger does not bring it back.
The reasoning. They took the carriers; the cargo was stored where no crowbar reaches.
The situation
The neighborhood where you felt at home is changing at high speed.
Yours
- Rooting again or moving on.Getting to know the new neighbours or looking past them, staying or leaving: home is less a place than a relationship, and relationships can be entered again. Here too.
- The comparison with how it used to be.Measuring every walk against the old yardstick turns your own street into a list of losses. The past was real, but it is no longer an address. You may miss it; only whoever keeps living there no longer lives anywhere.
Not yours
- That the neighbourhood is changing.Shops close, faces change, the street starts sounding different; cities flow and ask nobody’s permission. Homesickness keeps not a single facade standing.
The reasoning. The street flows on; whether you are at home there is not decided by the street.
The situation
The family home is being sold now that your mother is moving to a smaller place.
Yours
- What you keep, why, and at what pace.Choose per object, not per box, and watch the trap of keeping everything for fear of losing something that has long been inside you. The pace is yours too; clearing out may take weeks.
Not yours
- That the house is being sold and the rooms will be somebody else’s.No box changes any of that, and the new residents do not ask your blessing. Besides, the memory never hung on the doorpost; it simply moves with you.
- What your brother or sister wants to keep, and their pace.Around the same house everybody grieves in their own way: one wants to keep everything, the other wants to be done by Friday. Their way is not a commentary on yours. Divide the boxes, not the verdict.
The reasoning. The house goes to somebody else; what the house gave you moved long ago to where no estate agent can reach.
The situation
Your dog is getting old and you notice you are grieving already.
Yours
- What you spend the remaining time with.With him, or with the approaching loss: that is the choice that lies before you every day anew. Grieving something that is still here costs days you could have had together. The awareness that it is finite is exactly the reason to take that walk this afternoon.
- The grieving that has already begun, while he is lying next to you.Grief in advance feels like preparation, but it does not acclimatise you and will soften nothing later; it only moves the loss forward. Every afternoon you spend on later is subtracted from now. He is still lying there; look that way.
Not yours
- That he is getting old and that it is finite.The prospect cannot be thought away, and it does not have to be; finiteness is not a flaw in the design but the design itself.
The reasoning. The clock belongs to nature; this afternoon’s walk belongs to the two of you.
The situation
A friendship has cooled and you do not quite know what happened.
Yours
- Sending one clear message, without reproach.Asking is shorter and more honest than inventing an explanation. And if no answer comes, at least you know something real; silence is information too, just not a story you had to write.
Not yours
- What went on inside the other person, and whether he still wants to.Guessing only produces stories, and waiting makes the stories longer. His reason and his answer remain his, even after your message.
- How the reply turns out, or whether it stays away.After your message his part begins: writing back warmly, being vague, or staying silent. All three are answers, and none of the three can be ordered. Your door is open; whether he walks through it was never your side of the threshold.
The reasoning. His side stays closed until he opens it; your side is one message wide, and that door can open today.
Propositions in this topic
True or false? The answer is given; the reasoning behind it comes with the exercise.
- TrueYou have never lost anything; you have given it back.
- FalseAn injustice done to you must keep being contested in your head.
- TrueAn obstacle can become the way itself.
- FalseGetting sick at a bad moment may determine your mood.
- FalseLosing your job says something about your worth.
- TrueLoving something in the awareness that it is transient makes you freer.
- TrueWhoever cooperates with the inevitable is carried along; whoever resists is dragged.
- FalseIf you lose something through your own fault, you must keep holding it against yourself.
Situations in this topic
Each situation below is already sorted: yours, not yours, or both. That sorting is the exercise.
- Not yoursYour phone drops and the screen is shattered.
- YoursWhether you keep brooding over the damage or arrange the repair.
- Not yoursYour flight is cancelled because of the weather.
- Not yoursYou unexpectedly lose an assignment.
- YoursWhether you hold a cherished object as something fragile or as something indispensable.
- Not yoursAn appointment you were looking forward to gets cancelled.
- YoursWhether after a setback you begin anew or stay stuck in what should have been.
- Not yoursA friendship of many years is slowly bleeding out, despite your efforts.