Criticism and insult
Nothing gets under the skin faster than a remark. Yet between the words and the sting sits a step that is entirely yours: the judgment that those words say something about your worth. This is the topic where the dichotomy is most immediately useful, and hardest to apply in the moment.
43 exercises and cases on criticism and insult, from the Stoic practice of sorting what is yours from what is not.
Cases in this topic
Cuts in this topic
Take the situation apart. Each piece goes in one box; there is no third option.
The situation
A devastating comment appears under your work online.
Yours
- Whether you go back and read it a fifth time.Reading it the first time happened to you. The fifth time is an act, and it is the act that keeps the sting alive.
- Whether you take out what is usable and leave the rest.Most people stumble here, because criticism feels like one indivisible block. It is not. Whether there is something true in it is not yours, but whether you extract that truth is, and those two are almost always confused.
- Whether you reply, and in what tone.Entirely yours, and the only sentence in this whole story that will carry your name. Write it as though you will read it back in a year.
Not yours
- That the comment is there.Somebody typed and pressed send. That is a fact in the outside world, like rain. You can report it or ignore it, but you cannot unmake it.
- What other readers make of it.A hundred people read along and form a hundred judgments you are not present for. Anyone who tries to steer this box is busy for the rest of his life.
- That the tone is harsher than it needed to be.His manners, his day, his upbringing. The harshness says something about the writer and nothing about the quality of your work.
The reasoning. Criticism arrives as one lump and leaves as six pieces. Notice the proportion: three of the six are yours, and they are exactly the three that decide how you stand a week from now. The lump feels bigger than it is because the tone and the audience get mixed in with the content. Separate those and what usually remains is one usable sentence and a great deal of noise.
The situation
A client says in the middle of the meeting that your proposal is worthless.
Yours
- Whether you start defending immediately or ask a question first.Defending is a reflex, asking is a choice. One question about what exactly is wrong almost always yields more than three sentences explaining yourself.
- Whether you are still angry tonight about the way he said it.The manner was his, the dragging along is yours. Anyone who takes the tone home holds the meeting a second time, now without an opponent.
- Whether you acknowledge what is fair before disputing what is not.This piece is almost always skipped, because it feels like retreating. It is the opposite: acknowledge the true part at once and you get a hearing for the rest.
Not yours
- That he said it with the whole table listening.His choice of moment and audience. Unpleasant, and entirely outside your power once the sentence had been spoken.
- Whether the others at the table side with him.Six heads with six considerations you cannot reach. Agreement proves nothing about the quality of your proposal, only something about the dynamic in that room.
- Whether he signs in the end.The signature was never yours. What was yours was the quality of the proposal and the way you defended it, and that stays true if he says no.
The reasoning. Criticism in public feels like one event, but three layers are folded into it: the content, the manner and the audience. Only the content touches your work. The manner says something about him and the audience says something about the room. Hold those apart and you can learn from the criticism and leave the insult lying in the same minute.
The situation
Your appraisal contains something you did not see coming.
Yours
- Whether you ask for an example instead of disputing the label.A label cannot be refuted, an example can be discussed. That question is yours and it turns the meeting from defending into investigating.
- Whether you take it as information or as an assault.Here is the whole cut. The same sentence can be a verdict on your worth or an observation about your work, and which of the two you make of it is yours.
- Whether you have done something with it three months from now.That is the only lasting answer. Anyone doing something differently a quarter later has used the criticism rather than processed it.
Not yours
- That it appeared in the report without warning.His way of working. It could have come earlier and it did not, and that cannot be moved now.
- Whether others think the same of you.One opinion is not a survey. You cannot determine what sits in other people's heads, and you can go and ask.
- Whether it stays in your file.Paper, procedure, somebody else's pen. You can respond and you cannot erase it.
The reasoning. With criticism from above people mix two questions: is it true, and should it have been handled this way. The second belongs on the left and yields only irritation. The first belongs on the right and is the only one that takes you anywhere. Ask for an example and within two minutes you know which column this remark belongs in.
The situation
Your presentation lands badly with the room.
Yours
- Your preparation, and what you take from this for next time.The story, the structure, how you handled questions: that was your work, and evaluating it is too. Look at it sharply, keep what can improve, and refuse the total verdict “I cannot do this”; that was never on the agenda.
- What you tell yourself about this afternoon at eleven at night.The total verdict “I cannot do this” presents itself as a fact, but it is a choice. Evaluate the work as sharply as you like; the sentence on yourself as a speaker was never on the agenda, and you are the only one who can pronounce it or swallow it.
Not yours
- How the room responded.The mood, the agendas of the people present, the slot right after lunch: all of it lay outside your reach. The same presentation would have landed differently in another room. Reactions are information about the audience, not only about you.
The reasoning. Two measurements, then: the room measures the circumstances, your evaluation measures the work. Keep them apart and there is something to gain here without anything having to break.
The situation
In your performance review you get a criticism you disagree with.
Yours
- Calmly asking for examples and giving your side.
Not yours
- Your manager’s judgment.
- What ends up in the written record.
The situation
In your performance review you get criticism of which half is accurate and half is not.
Yours
- The part of the criticism that is accurate.That part is a gift, however it was wrapped: you can use it tomorrow. Sorting is done per sentence, not per conversation; otherwise you swallow everything or reject everything.
- The tone in which you respond, including to the inaccurate part.Precisely with the part that is not accurate, your tone gets read as evidence. Whoever stays calm at an unfair reproach makes the unfairness visible; whoever explodes hands it its proof after all. Your tone is the one argument you deliver without words.
Not yours
- The part that is not accurate.That says something about the reviewer’s eye, his yardstick or his day, and none of the three is yours. You do not have to refute it in order not to take it home.
The reasoning. Half right is no reason to accept everything or reject everything; it is a reason to sort.
The situation
Someone is spreading a story about you that is demonstrably untrue.
Yours
- Correcting it once, and then living on.
- How often you retell the story yourself.
Not yours
- The story, its spread, and who believes it.
The situation
A stream of negative reactions appears under your post.
Yours
- Whether you answer, and when the screen goes off.
- The conclusion you draw from it about your own work.
Not yours
- The reactions, their tone and their number.
The situation
You get a bad review from a customer who only half understood it.
Yours
- Your reply, your tone, and your explanation up front.
- The hours you spend on this one customer in your head.
Not yours
- The review, the stars, and who reads it.
The situation
In a meeting your idea is credited to someone else.
Yours
- Whether you set it straight, and at what moment.
Not yours
- That it happened, and who remembers it.
- Whether he did it on purpose.
Propositions in this topic
True or false? The answer is given; the reasoning behind it comes with the exercise.
- TrueNo one can insult you without your permission.
- FalseStaying calm when insulted is weakness.
- TrueCriticism that is accurate is a gift.
- FalseIf someone thinks badly of you, it is your job to set it straight.
- FalseBeing ignored says something about your worth.
- TrueWhat someone else says about you cannot touch your dignity.
- FalseA negative comment online always deserves a rebuttal.
- TrueWhoever makes you angry has gained power over you.
Situations in this topic
Each situation below is already sorted: yours, not yours, or both. That sorting is the exercise.
- Not yoursSomeone keeps interrupting you in a meeting.
- YoursWhether you calmly finish your point or snap back in irritation.
- Not yoursAn anonymous comment under your post tears you down.
- YoursWhether you answer an unfair email right away or let it settle first.
- Not yoursA colleague gets the credit for your idea.
- Not yoursA joke is made about you in the group chat.
- YoursWhether you let a jab pass or carry it with you all evening.
- Not yoursYou get no reply to a message and start suspecting it is about you.