Desire and comparison
Wanting is not the problem; wanting what is not yours to give is. Comparison turns another person’s life into the measure of your own and hands them a verdict you then have to live with. These exercises are about locating the wanting rather than suppressing it.
48 exercises and cases on desire and comparison, from the Stoic practice of sorting what is yours from what is not.
Cases in this topic
Cuts in this topic
Take the situation apart. Each piece goes in one box; there is no third option.
The situation
Someone your age sells his company and you read about it on LinkedIn.
Yours
- Whether you make his proceeds the measure of your own years.The moment you do, you let a stranger decide whether your work succeeded. That is not modesty, it is giving away your own judgment.
- Whether you congratulate him and mean it.The first is a ten second act, the second is an exercise. Anyone who manages the second finds the sting drops immediately; envy and genuine gladness cannot occupy the same room.
- Whether you do something about your own work this afternoon.Comparing and working draw on the same hours. The hour spent on his announcement comes off the hour that moves yours forward.
Not yours
- That he sold his company.His years, his risk, his timing, his luck. There is no version of this event in which you had a vote.
- That you feel a sting as you read it.A first movement, like flinching at a bang. There is nothing to be ashamed of, and no obligation to keep it going.
- What it cost him, and how much of that you cannot see.You are comparing your inside with his outside. What sits behind the post you do not know, and you never will.
The reasoning. Comparison is the only form of unhappiness that is entirely self-made. Nothing has happened: there is a post on a screen and your life is exactly as it was this morning. What the cut shows is that the whole story sits in the right column except the measure, and the measure is precisely the thing you laid down yourself.
The situation
At a reunion everybody seems to have got further than you.
Yours
- Whether you spend the evening comparing or listening.They are two different evenings in the same room. One produces twenty rankings, the other four conversations.
- What you measure your own years against on the drive home.Here lies the whole difference. Measure against their figures and you always lose; measure against what you yourself consider worth doing and the evening has become information instead of a verdict.
- Whether you ask somebody sincerely how he is really doing.One question, asked without an angle, changes the nature of the evening. And the surface then usually turns out to be a surface.
Not yours
- What they have achieved.Their years, their choices, their luck and their setbacks. There is no version of their careers in which your opinion counted.
- That somebody there has done better.That is true of any group of thirty, and it would still be true if you had achieved twice as much. A ranking always has somebody above you.
- What they in turn make of your life.Probably something other than you suspect, and you will never know precisely. People you envy are usually envying somebody else.
The reasoning. Comparison turns an evening into an exam nobody set. The left column holds the entire reunion: their results, their judgments, the existence of somebody who did better. The right column holds only what you do with your attention and which measure you apply, and that is exactly enough to decide whether you drive home relieved or defeated.
The situation
You buy something you wanted for a long time and after a week it feels ordinary.
Yours
- Whether you expect the same of the next thing next time.
- Whether you use it or only own it.
- Whether you work out what you were hoping to feel.
Not yours
- That the excitement fades.
- What other people make of it.
- That the money is gone.
The situation
At a party someone talks with relish about his second home; you feel the envy rising.
Yours
- What you do with the sting.Feeding it with comparisons, or letting it die down and asking whether you actually wanted that second home. Usually you have only wanted it for five minutes, and that is an answer.
- The sum “what does this say about me” that you begin to make.His second home only becomes a verdict on your life the moment you open the comparison. That opening is behaviour, not reflex; you can feel the first sum starting. Close the book and the party simply continues.
Not yours
- The sting of envy in the moment itself.That first movement happens to you, like flinching at a bang; even the old Stoics held it against nobody. Somebody else’s possessions are not a message to you.
The reasoning. The sting was free; it only becomes expensive once you start paying it off in comparisons. Let it die down and count what you already had.
The situation
You see your dream house come up for sale, far above budget.
Yours
- What you do with the longing.Feeding it for days with photos and sums, or looking honestly at what the house represents: space, calm, a new chapter, and investigating which of those also exist within budget. Usually you do not want the house; you want what you think the house will do to you.
- The calculation whether it could work after all.Calculating once is healthy; recalculating every evening with the same outcome is feeding the longing under the guise of research. The sum is finished. What you keep computing now is not a budget but homesickness in advance.
Not yours
- That it exists, is for sale, and what it costs.The house, the market and the asking price take no notice of your budget. This part is a shop window, and shop windows do not need to be mourned.
The reasoning. The house belongs to the seller; the longing belongs to you, and it can be questioned.
The situation
On social media everyone seems to have life more together than you.
Yours
- How long you look and whom you follow.
Not yours
- What others show.
- That the feed never ends.
The situation
You are browsing for something new while the old one still works fine.
Yours
- Whether you look, for how long, and what you conclude.One test rarely fails: what exactly is wrong with what you have? If you cannot say it in one sentence, you are not buying a solution but a longing.
Not yours
- That the new one exists and is being promoted.Whole departments work on that, and they are good at it; the longing you feel is their work, not your lack.
- That the old one will break some day.Even without a replacement lined up, the current one will break some day; it shares that fate with everything you own. That certainty is no reason to buy in advance. When the day comes, there will be a shop again.
The reasoning. The shop window does its work; the one sentence test does yours.
The situation
You are on holiday and catch yourself thinking about the next trip.
Yours
- Whether you follow it.The exercise is not to forbid planning, but to put your attention back where your body already is: this terrace, this view, this week. The same movement as with every other distraction, only with better weather.
- The verdict that you cannot enjoy anything.The thought of the next trip is often followed by a second one: “see, I am never content.” That sentence weighs more than the wandering itself. Wandering is what heads do; returning is what practice is. Neither is called failure.
Not yours
- That the thought of the next trip comes up.That is habituation at work; the head always seeks the next horizon, even in the place you looked forward to for months. The impulse itself asks no permission.
The reasoning. The horizon always moves on; the chair you are sitting in stands still. Now and then, sit where you are.
Propositions in this topic
True or false? The answer is given; the reasoning behind it comes with the exercise.
- FalseJealousy is justified when someone else gets what you deserved.
- TrueWealth is not owning much but desiring little.
- FalseRecognition you deserve should also come to you.
- FalseOther people's lives online show you what you are missing.
- TrueWhatever comes your way is best held with an open hand.
- FalseYou must change your circumstances to become happier.
- FalseIf your neighbor has a bigger house, you are falling behind.
- TrueEnough is a decision, not an amount.
Situations in this topic
Each situation below is already sorted: yours, not yours, or both. That sorting is the exercise.
- Not yoursA friend posts a photo of his new car.
- YoursWhether you compare yourself or return to your own goal.
- Not yoursSomeone with less experience earns more than you.
- YoursWhether you make that expensive purchase right away or wait a while.
- Not yoursYour post gets far fewer likes than expected.
- Not yoursAn old acquaintance turns out to have become very successful.
- YoursWhether you buy something to have it or because you need it.
- Not yoursEveryone around you seems to be on vacation while you are at home.